My son Gilgamesh just finished his first season playing youth football. His team went undefeated and he learned some of the basics including blocking and tackling. Yesterday we spent his 10th birthday biking to the Superdome to see the Saints beat the Seahawks. So being that he has the fundamentals down, I thought I'd step up the lessons and show him how to how to get 30 yards of penalties against his opponent. Thanks to Tony Jerod-Eddie of Texas A&M, I had access to this pedagogical video:
The conversation that followed went like this:
Me: "You see son, Ben Cotton just recovered a fumble for Nebraska. The other team can't let him get away with that. So in the ensuing pile up, Tony Jerod-Eddie grabs and squeezes the testicles of Ben Cotton."
Gil (horrified): "Oh my God! Why did he do that? Let me see it again!"
Me: "Ben Cotton kicks his leg in a reaction and get's two 15-yard penalties. That's why. The referees always penalize the retaliation."
Gil: "That's wrong. I can't believe that guy actually grabbed his nuts. I would never do that. It's terrible."
Me: "You're being naive. He just got his team 30 yards of real estate."
Gil: "So you would actually be willing to grab somebody's private parts like that if the coach asked?"
Me: "Sure. It's a brilliant career move. Tony Jerod-Eddie has ensured a position with the TSA patting down tight-trousered men in airports."
Gil: "Let me see the video again. My God! I can't believe the Texas A&M player did that. Why didn't he get a penalty?"