Monday, April 14, 2008

An Open Letter to Chris Owens

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Dear Chris Owens,

I saw you perform at the French Quarter Festival. Please stop. It makes me want to stop being a heterosexual.

Let me elaborate so we're clear. I have nothing against old people. Heck, I'm pretty old myself. You notice in the above picture that the average age of your audience was about 85. Even so, though, all of these octogenarians have the decency to stay inside when they put on lingerie and pretend to be riding a horse. Unlike me, though, this guy, a friend of mine, was excited to see you.
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I should point out though that in addition to the hurricane in his right hand, he is holding at least three empty glasses in his other. I should also point out that he is NOT a heterosexual, and he thinks you are New Orleans' version of Cher. So as a compromise maybe you could limit your performances to nightclubs at Bourbon and St. Anne?

Thanks for your time Chris, and please keep wearing lots of makeup when in public.
Michael Homan

Later note: OnMyList has a list of sexy women over the age of 50, and Chris ain't on it.

35 Comments:

Anonymous adrastos said...

Ageism? Is there no limit to your malakatude?

3:41 PM  
Blogger Michael Homan said...

The same goes for other old people such as the Malaka Adrastos. Grind your old hips in Daisy Duke shorts in private, not on a stage at Jackson Square.

3:52 PM  
Blogger suspect device said...

Chris Owens makes my penis sad.

3:58 PM  
Blogger Ann said...

All this time I thought she was a guy in drag. Just from the photos, you understand.

5:02 PM  
Anonymous nola said...

Oh, my eyes!! I once had convince a friend that Chris Owens was never a man! Must go rinse eyes out.

5:03 PM  
Blogger Cade said...

Is there "woman who look like old drag queens" site?

I know there is a "men who look like old lesbians" site.

5:11 PM  
Blogger dangerblond said...

Hey, now. Ya'll watch that shit. Don't MAKE me open up a 32 oz can of old-woman whoop ass over here.

5:35 PM  
Blogger Leigh C. said...

DB, madame, I saw Ms Owens heading outta the Lowe's in Metry with a big strong blond mimbo fairly recently. She looks as though her face has been dunked in hydroflouric acid and is still suffering from the effects. All I can think is that she's had more work done on her than this entire city has had since 8-29 and it is showing big time.

I predict that the first of the city's cranes will be dispatched to hold her up in the near future.

Whoop-ass away on me, Kim. Truth is, your genetic material trumps Ms Owens' any day of the week.

8:27 PM  
Blogger Michael Homan said...

Leigh is right. That's where Blakely's cranes have been all this time, holding up Ms. Owens, and her face.

9:21 PM  
Blogger Michael Homan said...

And what the heck was Chris Owens doing at Lowe's anyway?

9:22 PM  
Blogger Leigh C. said...

She was pushing the cart to her Jaguar and the fellow was taking buckets of stuff out of it. Might have been spackle...

5:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I recall when in the late '50s or early '60s I was a frequent patron of the old Fountain Lounge in the old Roosevelt Hotel. Chris and Sol would show up maybe twice on a weekend. Sol would occasionally dance with Chris, but mostly, guys would take leave of their dates and ask Sol for a dance with Chris. When she danced it was pure magic. She's not an old dancer, she's a legend and a legend can do pretty much anything she wants to do. How can you love N.O. and not love Chris.

8:53 PM  
Blogger Michael Homan said...

Would it be OK if I loved New Orleans and loved the 1960's Chris Owens, but felt the 2008 Chris acting like the 1960's Chris was pushing it? I feel the same way about Mick Jagger taking his clothes off and strutting. Jagger says old Bluesman don't get criticized for playing in their older years, that is true, but unlike Chris and Mick, they don't take their clothes off and grind their hips in front of large audiences. And actually, Chris Owens IS an old burlesque dancer, and while she can do more than most of us, she doesn't have carte blanche at Jackson Square. I'm far from being the morality police. I just wanted to blog about something that disturbed me. Long live New Orleans's weirdness.

9:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I saw Fats Domino perform at the Loyola Field House 40 years ago. When he played "My Blue Heaven" it rattled the corregated tin roof of that place. He still tries to perform but its not the same. Irma Thomas was "Rolling on the River" 20 years ago. She still does it but its not the same. When you go see legends like that, you're not going expecting to see a quality performance but rather to experience a euphoric recollection. If its disturbing to see them today, don't look at them.

9:38 PM  
Anonymous GentillyGirl said...

I've met Chris Owens and she's a nice woman. Funny too and she takes care of her employees.

Now I'll give you that she shouldn't have been doing that routine at FQF, but it works perfectly fine in the wrong half of the Quarter. Her act fits there.

And don't worry, I'll never wear Daisy Dukes or micro-minis. (Wow! Look what I found in my toybox... tramp stuffs.)

5:45 PM  
Blogger Michael Homan said...

GentillyGirl you know I love you. Glad Chris takes care of her employees. Especially glad she has a sense of humor. I guess I had heard so much about her from my friend, and I found her show to be silly. Much like Mick Jagger strutting around without a shirt on. Anyway, I'm far from being a prude, it was just that my first encounter with Chris Owens was mind blowing in a way she didn't intend. If you won't wear Daisy Dukes I won't either, and my commitment will make the world better much more than yours.

8:06 PM  
Blogger George "Loki" Williams said...

I'll say this much, in my table waiting days I used to wait on Chris and her "mimbo" periodically. Whatever else you can say about her she is a pleasant woman and, unlike many so-called good people in this town a great tipper.

I view her as one of those classic old school New Orleans freaks, and anything that adds fuel to the Homan/Adrastos bickerfest cannot be all bad.

(then again maybe a week on assignment in Vegas is coloring my opinions a bit....)

8:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG...all native Nawlins knows that Chris Owens is a MAN. Come on people! Everyone knew that Sol Owens was a closet queer. Back in the late 60's, early 70s when Chris came to New Orleans, he/she was one of the first original 'drag queens.' Why do you think his/her show was such a big hit back in the days? That is one of the things New Orleans is also famous for...not just strippers, but glamorous drag queens. Look at her body features for the evidence! Sloping forehead - only male foreheads slope. Womens are straight. A womans elbows end at her ribcage, not the hip bone as does a mans. Oh and as for the mimbo, he used to be a guitar player in her "Hot Rhythm' band....another queer. Then there is the final question...any heirs from Sol or Chris??? Nope.

9:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think michael homan should keep his opinions to himself. Chris is a legend in New Orleans, and supports her community. If you can't say anything nice about anyone, keep your opinion to yourself and quit being a jackass. We love you Chris.

3:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, jerk-off... I guarantee if you and your little cyber "blog" vanished nobody would notice or care.

Chris Owens on the other hand is a legend, beloved by countless people the world over. Have YOU been invited to perform at FQF recently? No, because you're nobody.

Know your place (Nebraska?), and don't talk shit on someone who makes New Orleans the great city it is.

8:31 PM  
Blogger Michael Homan said...

Oh great, another "Anonymous" putting their neck out for that O so risky opinion that Nebraska=zip and Chris Owens is what best personifies the uniqueness of New Orleans. My favorite part of the comment above involves the quotation marks around the word blog. Great insight on the cyber part too, as opposed to the skywriting type. It would be interesting to find out how people come to this a year later. Perhaps cyber "Anonymous" was looking for some risque shots of "Ms." Owens, or is that you yourself Chris? In any case, try a cyber "dictionary" and look up "irony."

9:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Neither Sol nor Chris is/was gay. Sol was married before. Chris was a dental assistant. When they met and married, they used to dance in the Fountain Lounge. Latin dances, particularly the mambo, were popular. Chris was very attractive. Sol opened a club on St. Louis St., and Chris danced with some back-up girls shaking maracas. While she is past her prime, she should be given credit for her stamina and perseverance. She can dance. So, if you're looking for bimbos who are stripping to show their breast implants and more, you'll have to go elsewhere. Keep on going Chris.

2:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who cares?Chris Owens is an icon here in New Orleans.yeah,she's old so what else is new?she does a lot of charity work and she should be commended.btw,who are you to put her down?what's your claim to fame?you sir,are not naturally nawlins!

9:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chris Owens is my Aunt...and I promise all you jealous ass nobody's out there who have no clue about her or her past should really just not even say anything...if any of you saw her wen she was young, you'd be creaming your pants just to have a shot with her. And you Michael Hoffman, you still some lowlife reporter?? Yeah your life must suck to have to try to bash a woman who can still perform, hopefully by now you've stopped writing.

3:42 PM  
Anonymous Michael Hoffman said...

Dear Anonymous niece of Chris Owens. While I do not know Mr. Hoffman, I'm sure when he reads your comment he will retire from lowlife reporting. I wish I had a niece who would stick up for my honor by leaving comments about cream pants. Are those like moon pies?

5:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is TOO FREAKIN HILARIOUS....I'm killing myself laughing.

I am a NOLA native as is my family (dating back to when we owned slaves).

To everyone who is getting SO OFFENDED FOR Ms Owens.....don't you think that it's time to pass the torch? Yes, she's energetic. So are my 80 year old grandparents. Sofia Loren is 1 year younger than Chris and you dont see her shaking her 79-soon-to-be 80-year-old wrinkled body stuffed in a leotard with 2 pairs of fishnets. And the same applies to many more aging/elderly and more famous celebrities......they go out with repect and dignity.

I believe that is the initial point Mr. Hoffman was trying to make here, to which I and many many other NOLA natives happen to agree with.

Chris Owens.....you are dearly loved and respected for the historical and beautiful entertainer that you were and still are. However, there does come a point in life when one must hang up their costume and pass the microphone.

4:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Keep on dancing Chris. I hope to still be at least walking when I'm 80. Good for you. Wishing you the best Audrey

4:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's really something how mean and cruel some people can be. I'd like to see you ass at 80. Asshole!!,,,,

4:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lee c I'd like to see what you look like....another asshole

4:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In Chris' younger years she was a beautiful woman , nothing stays the same and that goes for all of us. Continued success we love you......

4:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to agree with you. I met a man today that confirmed that she had a sex change and really is a man. He worked on Bourbon Street after college and detailed the actual events. I did research on her and littlevis known of her early life, etc. I'm searching for the truth because if she is a man she has foiled the world. So sad

6:37 PM  
Blogger Huffstutler said...

Come one everyone, give it a rest. You all should look as good as Chris at age 81! She ranks up there for class and staying active like actress Mamie Van Doren who is also in her 80s. I can say that Chris Owens is and was always a female. I have a copy of her birth certificate when she was born Christine Joetta Shaw on October 5, 1932 in Avoca, Texas to Fred Moore Shaw Sr (1898-1977) a farmer and Thelma Leona Martin (1906-1998). Chris married Sol Owens in 1954.

10:18 AM  
Blogger Huffstutler said...

She also attended Texas Weslyn College to be a nurse before going into show business.

10:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes...Chris is/was a male but; nevertheless, SHE is a wonderful person and has lived HER life successfully providing her incredible talent to the very appreciative world...

11:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

From 1975-79, I worked for Chris Owens and knew Sol Owens. Neither was/is gay and Chris is not a man. I am from New Orleans and have not been back for many years. Believe me, I'm not as energetic as Chris is and I'm not her age. Be glad you have someone who enjoys life as much as she does. If you don't like older people acting your age, just wait till you get to their age.

8:51 PM  

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