Thursday, April 17, 2008

My New Nemesis: Lord David the Pirate Artist

People are crawling out of the Katrina mold infected woodwork to attack me for my negative observations about Chris Owens. Honestly I didn't know Chris Owens existed until a week ago. And then there she was on stage, but maybe this is all a mistake, because I swear what I saw on stage wasn't human. What I saw at the French Quarter Fest looked like a wax model of Cher from Ripleys had baked in the sun and partially melted, and then some wacky voodoo priestess brought it to life, but all it could do was bend over and shake its ass. I saw this horrible spectacle and felt that I needed to alert others. Then my former nemesis Adrastos got his gyro-smelling panties all bunched up, and then et tu Brute Luvzus fell in line like a lemming. But my favorite comes from HumidCity, but not so much the "We Love Chris Owens" post by BigezBear, but the comment from my newest latest nemesis named "Lord David the Pirate Artist." He concludes I don't like Chris Owens because I am a prude and should live in Branson Missouri. But I was mostly interested in that he signs his name as follows:
Lord David
Pirate & Artist
Skull Club
New Orleans

Check out the link to skull club. There most of the website leads you to dead links, as it is hard to design websites when you have a hook instead of fingers. But check out the About Skull Club link. It's a "secret" club of Lord David the Pirate Artist, and they meet in secret, and did I say it's SECRET? It's like Fight Club, so they have a rule that if you talk about Skull Club, you will be killed, by pirates I assume. So why then does Lord David the Pirate put skull club on the web? I've found that with all of my secret clubs, publishing them on the web hinders their secrecy. And Lord David the Pirate Artist, will I have to walk the plank for this post? That would a cool way to die, as I have always thought one day I'd be run over by a Walmart truck in cruel irony. Anyway, skull club has a merchandise link, but it doesn't work. I'm hoping they sell paintings from Lord David the Pirate Artist, though it would be difficult to paint with a hook, and all the canvases are no doubt covered with parrot shit and smell like cheap rum and wenches. Plus he's a handicapped artist. I don't mean the peg leg, I mean the eye patch, as in no depth perception.

Oh yeah, check out his myspace page: Anyway, Adrastos was a weak nemesis and was holding me back. Now with Lord David the Pirate Artist at the nemesis helm, well, shiver me freakin' timbers! Stay tuned for more pieces of hate. Yarrrrrrrggggghhhhhhh!


Blogger NOLA Cleophatra said...

You've lived in New Orleans at least 5 years and you NEVER hear of Chris Ownes?? What rock do you live under?

Goddess Nolacleophatra
Designer & Muse
Cat Club
New Orleans

5:15 PM  
Blogger Michael Homan said...

I don't get down to the French Quarter as often as I should. Many people have been shocked I didn't know who she is. Anyway, I'm learning, slowly.

5:33 PM  
Blogger Lord David said...

Dear Michael;

Thanks for your kind words today.
I am flattered beyond all measure that you've spent so much valuable time chatting about me, and of course, the Skull Club. I'm sorry the actual site isn't up yet, but we do what we can, don't we...
It seems you were clever enough to find the Myspace page ( and have a look around. I understand the term 'secret' caused you some dismay, but it's a way of keeping things private. As in Private Club. One where we don't have to appease the lowest common denominator, the wretched untoward, and the loudly abbrasive criers who are shocked by an old lady dancing at a festival.
You've probably never heard of us before (we are legion) because our motto, You Tell, You Die, means we don't blab about what goes on here. It's not an actual death mind you. It just means if you rat out your friends, you're dead to them. Nice & simple & friendly. Like a hook.

I'd ask your location, there in Branston, MO, but somehow I don't think your membership offer has been sent.
Too bad. Some great parties going on lately. But then, you've probably never seen anything like it.

Thanks for writing, and tell your mom you did a great job of spelling! Remember, stay in school, Mike.

Lord David
Shadowy Puppet Master
Directly Over the Center Of The Earth

6:09 PM  
Blogger Lord David said...

PS Since you brought it up, some of my artwork (Pre-hook period) is currently showing at the Hi-Ho Lounge Envision display on St Claude Ave, and at the Chris & Otter Benefit art auction at L'Art Noir, on St. Claude Avenue, this Saturday.

Loki, editor & chief at will be auctioning off one of my limited edition screenprints to benefit the family of Ashley Morris at that upcoming event. All proceeds go to the Morris Family.

Please try to attend both these events, as they benefit fellow artists & writer in need, and their families. Many artists have contributed works to be auctioned. Expand you collection of local art, and help out your community.

Lord David
Pirate & Artist
(now ya know what it means)
Skull Club
New Orleans

6:19 PM  
Blogger Michael Homan said...

Lord David the Pirate Artist seems obsessed with BransTon Missouri. Check out the comment he left here:

So, the motus operandi of latest nemesis seems to be: act like a secret pirate to pick up apocalyptic girls (see Myspace), leave "move to Branston Missouri" comments on Nola blogs, and create new secret clubs so he can be like those cool guys in fight club in order to pick up apocalyptic girls.

6:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jesus was gay, well he didn't have anything to do with women and hung out with twelve guys in dresses! How do you like it when people put down what you care about?

4:38 PM  
Blogger Michael Homan said...

Why would you think that would upset me? Because I teach Hebrew Bible?

4:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh I don't care about you I want to upset anyone, by the way all bibles are bullshitworks of fiction. That's my belief..........
Ha Ha Ha.......I love the internet!

8:11 PM  
Blogger Michael Homan said...

Oh my, anonymous strikes again! Internet's good. Have you tried writing books to share with even more people your erudite mastery of all things Bible? You do bring much to the table.

8:25 PM  
Blogger "J.A.U.G." said...

How long Have you lived here and NOT heard/seen/spied Chris Owens? Are you a carpet bagger? My gawd man, she is part of the mystic that makes this city great.

I wonder what you would have said about John Kennedy Toole, Ruthie the Duck Girl, Captain Spandex, or the Bead Lady.

Listen, I hear Nebraska calling you.

12:10 PM  
Blogger Michael Homan said...

Is that you hollering from Nebraska j.a.u.g.? I won't apologize for coming from Nebraska, so feel free to call me a carpet bagger. It's been my privilege to live in New Orleans for 8 years. Never heard of Captain Spandex, but I'm fans of the rest of the four you list. But you know the world is a big place, and while I'm just learning about said Captain and Chris Owens, I'd be willing to bet you've never been swimming in the Ganges or lived with Bedouin in S. Jordan. I admit New Orleans is special. That is why I stayed here and am working hard to rebuild my life, house, neighborhood and city. But as I was just reading in Heart Like Water, "If you are birthed in Baton Rouge, say, and move here [New Orleans] when you're two weeks old and stay here until you die at the age of 100, your obituary will state, 'Originally from Baton Rouge, So-and-so moved to New Orleans when he attended...'" So God bless you if you were fortunate to have New Orleans listed on your certificate as place of birth. The rest of us are carpet baggers, so dismiss us if you need to for comfort's sake.

1:07 PM  

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