Fleur de Crash

Video by Howie.

Woo Hoo! Loup Garous!

The Loup Garous soccer team just won their first game of the season by a score of 6-1. Previously we had lost all six of our games, often by a large margin. As their coach, and as a competitive person, I was so terrified that we'd go all season without a win. Tonight Gilgamesh gets to choose the restaurant, and we're going out to eat to celebrate. We have one regular season game left and then we're in the playoffs. Great job team!

Cheese Eating Who Dats Say "Viva Las Vegas"

I just read that Vegas oddsmakers pick the Saints as favorites to win the Superbowl. The odds are 3-1, and at 3-2, the odds are even better to win the NFC championship. This Sunday we'll be biking to the Super Dome with Chef Who Dat and the mustache krewe. The Saints' run defense is going to have their hands full. Kalypso will be joining me in section 327, and the Dome will be rocking, especially if my voice can finally heal from the screaming last Monday night. Yes, it is good to be a Saints fan these days.

The Answer is C

A. Should I be more worried about this hurricane:


Or,

B. Should I be more worried about this gun violence last night near Xavier:


Or,

C. I should be worried about both.

SBS Death Makes No Sense At All

I'm proud to work at Xavier University of Louisiana, a school founded by St. Katharine Drexel and the Sisters of the Blessed Sacrament. I've been very inspired by the work of the Sisters over the past 8 years that I've been at Xavier. This past weekend, for the first time in the history of their order, one of the sisters, Marguerite Bartz, was murdered in Gallup, New Mexico. My friend and colleague Sr. Mary Ann mentioned today that the order has a 118 year history of taking their important mission to some very violent neighborhoods in America, but nothing like this has ever happened. There are very few details about the crime at this moment. I shake my head in disbelief at this senseless tragedy.

Ed Blakely Uncovers Secret Plot of White People

Amazingly, former New Orleans Recovery Czar Ed Blakely, who is not a Caucasian, has uncovered the secret ambition laid out in this city by me and my fellow pasty-skinned crackers. Says Blakely: "Now, the white community, there's blood in the water, and they can recapture the political apparatus and kind of put their foot back on black people's throats." That was clearly my motivation when I voted against Nagin and Jindal in recent elections, aspirations of ruining the lives of my students, friends, and neighbors. Blakely also announced that there is an upcoming race war to be waged in this city. Blakely hasn't discovered the details yet, but to all of my Caucasian readers: it's going to start Mardi Gras morning and will be led by the King of Rex, with the first strike to take out Zulu. The key will be to disarm the krewe of coconuts. I'd give you more details about the exact time of the race war, but as all Caucasians know, Zulu's parade is often late. And of course, please don't share this information with anyone who is non-Caucasian, the rule still being that 1/8 non-white equals non-Caucasian.

Two more things: Blakely said the city of New Orleans won't be around in 100 years. Speaking for all white people, as is my custom, I can assure you that's not a Caucasian plot. It might have something to do with the masons and/or Hubig's pies. Finally, when me and my multi-racial neighbors rebuilt our city block by block, house by house, and fought so hard to make the city a better place, Blakely summarizes our herculean efforts thusly: “New Orleanians expected someone else to do it [rebuild city] all along…. They never expected to do it themselves.” He took our money, a lot of it, and then says he never believed in our recovery. Can't such megalomaniacs just fade away to Ayer's Rock and keep their mouths shut? A dingo ate my blakely. I wish.

God Answers My Prayers with a Saint's Tibia from an Alleged Prostitute

I was feeling emotionally and spiritually drained after the Saints amazing come from behind victory over the Dolphins yesterday. This morning I asked God for a little help, a sign. And then seconds later I read that Saint Mary Magdalene's tibia is touring around the U.S. and Saturday it will be at St. Anthony of Padua's church, very close to my house. Mary Magdalene has been linked to prostitution over the past 2,000 years; however, this is more legendary than historical, as there is nothing in the Bible or early historical sources that mention this. But back to God's sign for me, even more amazing, St. Anthony of Padua is only a block away from the Canal Street Brothel where Senator David Vitter hired prostitutes. This is historical, but I should point out, there is nothing in the Bible that condemns diaper fetishes with prostitutes named Wendy.

Satsuma Witbier to Celebrate Saints

Satsumas are on sale, and we're playing the Dolphins today who wear orange on their jerseys. So I just made a satsuma witbier. This is the third batch I've made since I started homebrewing again on the 4th anniversary of the flood. The Katrina 4 year anniversary extra special bitter is great. My nut brown ale is bottled and almost ready to drink. And this satsuma beer should be ready for Thanksgiving if all goes well.

Threatening to Kill Presidents

Gregory Broussard of Louisiana was sentenced to a year in prison, and then another year in a half-way house and home arrest, because in 2008 he told a social worker in an emergency room that he intended to kill former president George W. Bush. But what about all of the people who are threatening to assassinate Obama? A few examples I've read about in the past year:

The New York Post cartoon that depicts a dead health-care reforming chimp shot by police officers.

These lovely kids on a schoolbus who chanted "assassinate Obama."

This newspaper in Pennsylvania which ran an ad to assassinate Obama.

The people who started the Facebook poll "Should Obama be killed?"

Dreaming of Werewolves and Alligators

Four days ago I had the second scariest dream of my life. The scariest dream of my life came when I was about 6 years old. I dreamed I was in our backyard, and a werewolf came by and asked to see my siblings. I knew he wanted to eat all of us, so I lied, and then sprinted to the house. During this dream I was sleep running, as I came from my room in the basement to my parents' room upstairs, with the werewolf biting my leg as I dove onto my parents' bed.

The second scariest dream is as follows. I was near a small area of water where two giant alligators were eating birds at the opposite end of the swamp, about 30 feet away from me. It was muddy and though I tried not to I gradually slid into the water. I couldn't get out. It was too slippery, and I needed help. Therese was nearby but she was talking to someone. I said "Therese, please, I need some help here." When I said that, one of the alligators turned its head as it noticed me and started swimming towards me. Therese continued her conversation ignoring me. I repeated "Therese, I really really need some help, this is very very important." Therese kept on with her conversation. I noticed the alligator was about 15 feet away at this point. I raised my voice and said loudly that I needed help from Therese. The alligator at this point dove under water. I screamed "Therese, I really need some help here!" Just as Therese was saying goodbye and noticing me in the water the alligator bit my leg.