Monday, May 31, 2010

Legitimate Claims of Pessimism

They're calling this the "Summer of Oil." I'm confident about two very depressing things:
1. A hurricane is going to throw the oil in the Gulf onto the wetlands killing a large portion of it.
2. In 3 months BP America will go bankrupt. Few people with "legitimate claims" will get reimbursed. BP Global will prosper.

Sure hope I'm wrong, but being a super genius, I rarely am.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Your Logo Here: Barrier Islands for Sale

I've heard that the company hired in Dubai to create new islands shaped like palm trees is from Louisiana.
So let's bring them home and ask them to create barrier islands such as these. I'd even consider building a house on the bottom point of the question mark.

Sex and Oil and National Impotence

The first time I'd heard of the Minerals Management Service was two years ago. I read with interest that MMS employees engaged in sexual acts with oil company representatives. This intrigued me. As a Bible scholar who now and again dabbles in literary criticism, I'm well aware of the connection between water wells in literature and sexuality. Just about every time there is a well in the story, a wedding soon follows. Without going into too much detail, I'm willing here to focus on three words: round, wet, hole.

So with the MMS and oil industry added to the mix, we now could add words like oil, tap, and drill baby drill. In the past five weeks, ever since the rig exploded, I've included in my vocabulary blowout preventer, 21 inch pipe, spewing, gusher, and my favorite, the junk shot.

But it seems that while the United States can talk the talk, it can't walk the walk. Two articles in today's Times-Picayune caught my attention. The first was by John Tilove, and he argues that Americans are not only angry about the oil spill, but they also suffer from "wounded pride." We seem to believe that there is a really smart kid out there who can solve this problem but Obama and BP won't listen. As Professor Gstohl states in Geauxjira, "history shows again and again how nature points out the folly of man." The second is a column by Maureen Dowd who writes that the "plume of doom" is a "symbol of national impotence." We're told repeatedly that America is the best country on earth, but we can't plug a hole in the Gulf. This of course brings back memories of the flooding of New Orleans, another symbol of national impotence. I'm frankly tired of being involved with two monumental events in the past five years that are symbols of national impotence. So what will be this country's viagra? Probably a war as usual. Better get out my North Korea maps.

Thursday, May 20, 2010


Ladies and Gentlemen, with the oil leak now a month old, here is Geauxjira. Geauxjira is a brief homage to some famous scenes in Ishiro Honda's movie Gojira (1954), better known in English as Godzilla. Whereas Godzilla was created from nuclear explosions, Geauxjira is a giant crawfish spawned by leaking crude oil. On April 21st, 2010, the Deepwater Horizon oil rig exploded off the coast of Louisiana. Eleven people perished in the explosion. As we made our movie, thousands of barrels of oil leaked every day on the Gulf of Mexico's floor, causing the biggest environmental disaster in our lifetime. Moreover, we're terrified about the ramifications the oil will have on our economy and lives. In making a parody there is a danger of giving the impression that we find this calamity to be funny. In fact, the opposite is true. We're angry and frightened about the uncertain impact of this disaster. Here is the movie.

If you're interested, we'd invite you to do two simple things: first donate to the Friends of the Laffitte Corridor (, a non-profit organization designed to convert a rail line in the heart of New Orleans into a bike path. Second, try to reduce your oil consumption. We hope you enjoy our movie.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Making A Movie

I'm making a Godzilla movie. Want to be in it? We're shooting two crowd scenes near the Mardi Gras Fountain on Lakeshore Drive this Sunday, May 16th, at 2 PM.
Here's some background about the movie. It's called Geauxjira, and its a brief recreation of the famous Japanese Ishiro Honda movie Gojira (1954), better known as Godzilla in English. We're trying to copy a few key scenes. Godzilla was created from nuclear explosions. Our monster, Geauxjira, is a giant crawfish monster created by the BP oil disaster in the Gulf. He's very angry. In the end, Chef Who Dat concocts a special boom made from Hubig's pies, Drew Brees' hair, and crystal hot sauce, all encased in panty hose.

Scene One: people run in terror down the levee. This involves one scene with a close up of feet and a wider angle scene.

Scene Two: People in a line react in shock as the monster is destroyed. People remove their hats and put them over their hearts. Bring a hat if you have one. Disguises such as wigs and fake mustaches are good also. Camp is very good.

Thursday, May 06, 2010

Using Cats to Save the Gulf

My friend Sue has a dilemma. She lives in Indiana with about 100 cats and she wants to stop the oil spill. She has heard that animal hair can be used to sop up the oil, but unlike dogs, cats don't like to get shaved. So I am asking all cat owners to send me their felines. I will attach them to my fishing poles and launch them into the oily water. After a few minutes I will reel in the cats, clean them off with soap, and then cast them back into the spill. My plan doesn't involve robotic submarines so there will not be government funding.