Canadian Moose on Alert Because of Silly Sport
Tomorrow afternoon Canada will play the USA in the gold medal game of the Olympics. I am sorry to see that. I wish Finland would have defeated the USA so we'd be playing in the bronze medal game. This is because nothing would make the Canadians happier than beating the USA in a sport that is very important to a very few people in the world, most of whom live in Canada.
Canadians have an inferiority complex, and by beating their imaginary bully to the south in a silly game with a puck, they will feel vindicated. They have so little to celebrate, those Canadians. My Maple Leaf wearing friends frequently boast that Canada burned the White House in 1814. They're proud of it. This victory in hockey, in their minds, would be perhaps the most glorious national moment since that Queen on their money visited Brian Adam's space arm and sang Celine Dion duets with Wayne "the Great One" Gretzky. I'm not sure that is the correct way to spell the Great One's name, but I don't have enough respect for him to look it up. He did marry Janet "hot for teacher" Jones though so he must have some mojo. But I'm told he often has poutine stains on his eyebrows.
So why must we do all that we can to make sure Canada doesn't win tomorrow? It's for the welfare of the animals really. Just a few days ago the Canadian women's hockey team defeated the women from the USA. Canada I'm told went crazy. The players started chugging beers and smoking cigars on the ice, actions which prompted an investigation by the IOC. This leads me to believe that if the Canadian men are victorious tomorrow, they'll do syrup naval shots from Michael J. Fox (if he can hold still long enough) and then bring a giant Canadian moose onto the ice and the players will rape it thinking it is the Stanley Cup. The best I can hope for would be Canada losing by one goal in the final minute of play due to either a cheap shot by a USA player or even better, an own goal by their team captain. Then the USA men can hook up with the drunk Canadian hockey women and make out in front of the red wearing crowd, a la Jersey Shores. Fist pumps in the air!