Saturday, February 27, 2010

Canadian Moose on Alert Because of Silly Sport

Tomorrow afternoon Canada will play the USA in the gold medal game of the Olympics. I am sorry to see that. I wish Finland would have defeated the USA so we'd be playing in the bronze medal game. This is because nothing would make the Canadians happier than beating the USA in a sport that is very important to a very few people in the world, most of whom live in Canada.

Canadians have an inferiority complex, and by beating their imaginary bully to the south in a silly game with a puck, they will feel vindicated. They have so little to celebrate, those Canadians. My Maple Leaf wearing friends frequently boast that Canada burned the White House in 1814. They're proud of it. This victory in hockey, in their minds, would be perhaps the most glorious national moment since that Queen on their money visited Brian Adam's space arm and sang Celine Dion duets with Wayne "the Great One" Gretzky. I'm not sure that is the correct way to spell the Great One's name, but I don't have enough respect for him to look it up. He did marry Janet "hot for teacher" Jones though so he must have some mojo. But I'm told he often has poutine stains on his eyebrows.

So why must we do all that we can to make sure Canada doesn't win tomorrow? It's for the welfare of the animals really. Just a few days ago the Canadian women's hockey team defeated the women from the USA. Canada I'm told went crazy. The players started chugging beers and smoking cigars on the ice, actions which prompted an investigation by the IOC. This leads me to believe that if the Canadian men are victorious tomorrow, they'll do syrup naval shots from Michael J. Fox (if he can hold still long enough) and then bring a giant Canadian moose onto the ice and the players will rape it thinking it is the Stanley Cup. The best I can hope for would be Canada losing by one goal in the final minute of play due to either a cheap shot by a USA player or even better, an own goal by their team captain. Then the USA men can hook up with the drunk Canadian hockey women and make out in front of the red wearing crowd, a la Jersey Shores. Fist pumps in the air!


Blogger judyb said...

okay, I was sipping my gin and tonic while reading this and it almost was spit all over my laptop when I read the part about the moose being mistaken for the Stanley Cup.

A native of the great state of Massachusettes, I remember years and years of the rivalry between the Monreal Canadiens and my oh so beautiful Bawston Bruins.

thanks for the laugh

7:53 PM  
Blogger Jim Anderson said...

An English guy (Charles Caleb Colton) once said that 'imitation is the sincerest form of flattery', and the fact that your USA team imitates our Canadian hockey players in such a sincere and cute way pushes well beyond flattery into obsequiousness. It is like little kids pretending to be adults, skating all over like that... they look so cute with their little American flag uniforms and their little sticks. However, I think a 'C' on the jersey would have been more appropriate than the propeller on the captain's helmet.

9:50 PM  
Blogger mominem said...

I though I was a lone Canadaphobe.

2:04 PM  
Blogger bertie said...

The ironical thing about the hockey is how many of the US players (and this has been happening over a long time span) are the children of Canadian hockey players who played in the NHL, stayed in the US and raised hockey playing children. Like the US Captain Zach Parise (son of Jean-Paul Parisé born December 11, 1941, in Smooth Rock Falls, Ontario), who played for the Minnesota North Stars (1967-1975), as well as other teams. In a way it is almost like Canadians playing other displaced Canadians. It reminds me of the only time that Great Britain won a gold medal in Ice Hockey -- 1936 - when Canadians (many born in the UK, but raised in Canada) playing for Britain went up against the Canadian team for the gold. I'm just glad we won this one, so Hollywood doesn't have to make a "Miracle on Ice 2". We have all been saved from that nightmare.

10:17 PM  
Blogger Michael Homan said...

I concur with Bertie. We definitely don't want another "miracle on ice." Stephen Colbert said he was thankful the Canadian team won so he didn't have to spend another 24 hours caring about hockey.

10:36 AM  
Blogger Jim Anderson said...

While Canada is good and has fun kicking the USA's collective ass in hockey, I often wonder why the NFL has never agreed to a 'Super Super Bowl' that would pit the Super Bowl champion playing the CFL (Canadian Football League) Grey Cup winner. I suppose the prevailing logic is that some mysteries are better left unsolved. However, that Super Bowl winners often call themselves 'world champions' is odd.

1:22 PM  
Blogger Michael Homan said...

Jim Canadimoose Anderson raises a good point. How can the NFL champions be world champions if they don't play those great Canadian teams? Some people think the Canadian Farm League is a system, sort of like college football, where players are meant to improve to see if they're good enough to play in the NFL. I remember Jim Anderson telling me to watch Cameron Wake. Out of Penn State, Wake was drafted by the Giants and let go after 3 months. Then he dominated the CFL, with 39 sacks during two seasons. This year he graduated from the CFL, and went on to play a very limited role on the Miami dolphins, not playing a snap until week 4, and scoring 5.5 sacks for the year. I would argue the best college team in the U.S. could beat the best "pro" team in Canada.

There's probably a group of guys in North Korea who play a funny version of the NFL and would slighted if we don't include them also.

2:01 PM  
Blogger Jim Anderson said...

Mike, you sadly miss the point. Canada is cold and full of ice, and we play hockey. USA has not so much ice, and plays a lot of football. USA is 10 times as big as Canada in population. However, Canada nevertheless plays hockey against the USA and kicks its ass. However, the USA will not even play Canada at football (we've asked, you've said no).

Perhaps a USA loss to an ice-filled nation with 1/10th the population at football might bring about the end of the Republic?

7:59 PM  
Blogger Michael Homan said...

You keep bringing up the fact that Canada has 1/10th the population of the U.S. I would bring up that 90% of Canada lives within 100 miles of the U.S. border. I would also bring up the fact that nobody cares about hockey in the world. Does Canada have a soccer team? I hear the world cup in soccer is a popular sport.

8:13 PM  
Blogger Jim Anderson said...

The US should play Canada in football sooner rather than later. With global temperatures continually rising, more and more of Canada will become habitable, and that band of population along the US border will begin expanding northwards into areas containing 1/2 of the world's fresh water. However, continued desertification and lack of fresh water (due to empty aquifers) may wipe out many of the southern states, and rising sea levels will take care of places like Florida and Louisiana. While we grow grapes in a veritable Eden north of the 49th parallel, you lot will be sucking dust if you are not under water. And so, you should play us now while you still have enough football players that can beat us.

12:06 PM  

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