Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Christmas is a Lie

Today, they will tell you, it is Christmas Eve 2009. However, it isn't Christmas Eve, and it isn't 2009. They've been lying to you.
HomanSanta
Christmas is supposed to celebrate the birth of Jesus. Yet nobody knows the time of year at which Jesus was born. Some people claim Jesus was born in the Spring, because of a passage in Luke 2:8 which claims that there were shepherds keeping their flocks nearby. But all of that is suspect too. I don't even believe Jesus was born in Bethlehem. So, at best, there is a 1/365 chance that Jesus was born December 25th. Not very good odds.

And we really have no idea what year it is. Some reportedly brilliant man named Dennis the Little miscounted the reign of Augustus when calculating how many years it had been since Jesus' birth. Some people claim that we're off by four years because Herod the Great, the guy who tried to kill the baby Jesus according to Matthew 2, died in 4 BCE. So there we are, with Jesus being born four years after a man who tried to kill him. So it might be 2005, but we really don't know. They're lying to us. People like Kathy Lee Gifford, Adrastos, and Oprah.

Furthermore, if some of the great biblical prophets came into a home with Christmas trees, they would rightly claim we are worshipping the fertility goddess Asherah. But in reality it's the pagan elements of Christmas that I love the most, like the lights, the santa clauses, elves, and all the eggnog flavored brandy. I'm hoping that Asherah might visit me tonight, due to the tree and some triangle-shaped-pubic-triangle-cookies I left out for her, old school style (Jeremiah 44:19). I'll bet she is hot! For dinner tonight, with Therese's parents John and Mary Mike Fitzpatrick in town, I'm making oyster soup, prime rib, Yorkshire pudding, coconut covered dates, asparagus, and creme brulee. There will be quite a bit of wine involved, so after I explain how Christmas is a big fat lie, I might just tell everyone what I think of them.

7 Comments:

Blogger planetworks said...

Interesting and funny!
You are an associate professor of Theology.... I admire your courage to make this topic public!

7:34 PM  
Anonymous Editor B said...

"we really have no idea what year it is"

So true -- as borne out by your first paragraph. I think most people would agree that "it isn't 2009." Not yet.

Maybe the bonfire controversy has got you anticipating the New Year.

9:11 PM  
Blogger Mark Folse said...

After consulting the heading of Maitri's last post, I propose today is 28 Festivus of the Year 3. Once I get the turkey on I'm think playing with a new calendar is an entirely purposely way to spend a Lazy Boxing Day Eve.

6:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So I'm curious, do you believe in Jesus at all??

I'm Anonymous - from Thanksgiving

6:09 PM  
Blogger Michael Homan said...

Of course I believe in Jesus.

6:13 PM  
Blogger Sue said...

Since when??

4:06 AM  
Blogger Tim said...

Not only is the story about Jesus' birth as told by the bible completely false, but there are serious doubts that a person such as Jesus ever actually lived at all. I'm sure you know the Jesus story is really just a synthesized mythology, so what makes you think any of it is true, including the very existence of Jesus at all?

Peace,

Tim

10:50 PM  

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